Meditation was never that strangely pleasant. Each of the seven chakras of my kundalini was adding something distinctive to the energy rising from the base of my spine to the crown of my head. A part of me, impervious to the facets of the material universe, was yearning to be liberated. While another, nailed to this world of fears and desires, was preparing to dominate it.
The consciousness harnesses the strength of the body and rises to the highest state so that it may attain moksh. If it is still bound, it reunites with its fleshy incarnation, nourishes it and repeats the cycle.
My energy had crossed the threshold to achieve spontaneity. Whenever it rose, I had no thoughts, no awareness of my existence and thus, no means to use the abundance for the next cycle of my spiritual development. Worldly attributes like desire and purpose do not exist at the highest state of consciousness. I needed an efficient way to link the two incompatible realms.
Tracing that treacherous terrain alone, I didn't have the luxury of accepting favors. Whenever circumstances left me no other choice, I made every effort to return more than I received, preferably in advance. In the search for moksh, even the smallest debt can set you back by decades while repaying greatly accelerates your advancements.
Looking for a resolution, I came across philosophies I couldn't understand, logics that were anything but logical and practices so incomplete and misleading that those practicing them were more clueless than me.
I kept searching. I looked harder, delved deeper and sought farther. After drifting away from the truth for several years, I finally found a multi-dimensional system that reintegrates spiritual energy into worldly processes by modulating desire with a transcending mind. It's called tantra.
I rode long and hard, but could never complete the journey. I flew high with all my might, but always in an uncertain direction. In the middle of that night, while the world slept lessening its tug on me, I sat there alone psyching myself to be able to soar the highest without losing sight of my path.
Wheat flour, which has nourished me for almost all my life, was going to be instrumental in creating a system within a system. After energizing it, I used it to set up a perimeter isolating myself and preventing my energy from dissipating. The perimeter also represented the extra-dimensional boundary between my limited body and limitless soul.
At the center of the perimeter, I sat with an idol of goddess Durga in front of me. The idol consisted of all the aspects of perfection; aspects that I sought to attain moksh. The primary objective of the ritual was to merge some of those aspects with my featureless energy.
In the course of the ritual, I was going to pass through many domains. My success depended on my ability to make some of them converge on the flame of a small lamp and experience them simultaneously. My consciousness exists in all those domains in different forms. Hence, I needed a weapon to protect myself should I encounter any contentious doppelganger.
Energy, irrespective of form and circumstance, rises instinctively. It is not bound by the laws of time and space. The more the build up, the fierce and turbulent it becomes. My energy sprung into action even before I could complete the mundane yet meaningful ritual to worship the goddess. It transformed itself by bouncing back and forth between me and the idol. Amid the complex interplay of corporeal and non-corporeal, it assimilated the quintessence of the earthly elements of the ritual from different realities. The barriers between the inner and the outer collapsed and I was flung towards the zenith.
It was a confluence of existence and non-existence, a gateway to diverse possibilities. Each was subtly different than the other, each a little out of phase with the other. While experiencing the metaphysical pinball, I realized, I had the option to choose. I could have chosen wisely or I could have allowed myself to be scurried towards an apparent oblivion. Or I could have followed a rare trait and had handed the reigns over to chance.
I also became aware of the presence of an invisible observer. I no longer needed a choice.
Energy that was matter before was matter again. The bliss at the break of the down signified the subtlety of the change. I had retained a tiny fraction of the knowledge accessible only at the highest state of consciousness. A new understanding refined my attributes making me better aware of myself - physically and spiritually. Goals that seemed implausible the earlier night had acquired a degree of attainability.
Tantra is a natural process that relies on the perfect balance of its constituents. It instills a touch of materialistic impulse into an absolutely spiritual process giving rise to love, strength, and knowledge; and also to lust, rage and madness.
